Sunday, December 2, 2012

lost bearings...

When I was a small child, some things went wrong in my life...about as wrong as they can go for a child. I remember that I had been taught that Heavenly Father loved me. That if I had enough faith and prayed, that He would hear my prayers and answer them. I can't say that I remember any one prayer. I can say that this was when my faith broke with my belief. I believe everything I was taught as I grew up. I still don't question the truth of those things. There were many prayers after that day. Some were very fervent, some were said more as a means of calming myself down. Some days I held hope for an answer. Maybe that was desperation in my soul speaking, maybe it was something else. As I grew older I had less myself to live up to the standards and things I was being taught. I don't know that I have ever fully built that faith back. I still believe and try to live accord to those beliefs but that is not the same as living on faith. Faith to me seems to be stronger than belief. My faith is weak. I am weak. Some who know me might disagree with that assessment. They will say how I am stronger than anyone they know. I disagree. I know that I could be better, stronger. I don't know if I am more crushed by the fact that I am not the man I could be or the knowledge of who that man is.

I know the lessons that are taught in my religion. That to have more faith and stronger faith that you must exercise it first. Blind faith is the term I believe. But after this exercise of faith that the confirmation of that faith will present itself and your faith can grow. Where is that first grain supposed to come from? When does it qualify as a grain of faith and not acting on beliefs? Is acting on beliefs considered an act of faith or is it acting on held knowledge of certain outcomes and results. I have heard that faith is the belief in things not seen or touched but only hoped for that cannot be proven except through that same faith.

I don't know if it is an exercising of faith but I try to set a good example for my kids. I try to make sure that we go to church every week. I attempt to teach them right from wrong. I had to talk specifically to my daughter the other day and explain that just because something is legal doesn't make it right. I try to teach them not to fight with each other, to take turns and be polite. Some days they seem to get it. Some days I get to see them doing the things I have taught and the happiness and pride surge through my entire body. I know they are good kids because I have seen them when they didn't know I was looking. I love those two. They make me proud to be their Dad.

Weeellllllll....I know when I started this post I had an end goal that I was shooting for, but to paraphrase from The Doctor...from a strictly non- linear point of view, blogs are like tangled up balls of wibbely wobbly timey whimey stuff......yeah, that one got away from me too....

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