lost bearings...

When I was a small child, some things went wrong in my life...about as wrong as they can go for a child. I remember that I had been taught that Heavenly Father loved me. That if I had enough faith and prayed, that He would hear my prayers and answer them. I can't say that I remember any one prayer. I can say that this was when my faith broke with my belief. I believe everything I was taught as I grew up. I still don't question the truth of those things. There were many prayers after that day. Some were very fervent, some were said more as a means of calming myself down. Some days I held hope for an answer. Maybe that was desperation in my soul speaking, maybe it was something else. As I grew older I had less faith...in myself to live up to the standards and things I was being taught. I don't know that I have ever fully built that faith back. I still believe and try to live accord to those beliefs but that is not the same as living on faith. Faith to me seems to be stronger than belief. My faith is weak. I am weak. Some who know me might disagree with that assessment. They will say how I am stronger than anyone they know. I disagree. I know that I could be better, stronger. I don't know if I am more crushed by the fact that I am not the man I could be or the knowledge of who that man is.

I know the lessons that are taught in my religion. That to have more faith and stronger faith that you must exercise it first. Blind faith is the term I believe. But after this exercise of faith that the confirmation of that faith will present itself and your faith can grow. Where is that first grain supposed to come from? When does it qualify as a grain of faith and not acting on beliefs? Is acting on beliefs considered an act of faith or is it acting on held knowledge of certain outcomes and results. I have heard that faith is the belief in things not seen or touched but only hoped for that cannot be proven except through that same faith.

I don't know if it is an exercising of faith but I try to set a good example for my kids. I try to make sure that we go to church every week. I attempt to teach them right from wrong. I had to talk specifically to my daughter the other day and explain that just because something is legal doesn't make it right. I try to teach them not to fight with each other, to take turns and be polite. Some days they seem to get it. Some days I get to see them doing the things I have taught and the happiness and pride surge through my entire body. I know they are good kids because I have seen them when they didn't know I was looking. I love those two. They make me proud to be their Dad.

Weeellllllll....I know when I started this post I had an end goal that I was shooting for, but to paraphrase from The Doctor...from a strictly non- linear point of view, blogs are like tangled up balls of wibbely wobbly timey whimey stuff......yeah, that one got away from me too....

I would like to say something...

I know I am not the most articulate of people. I sometimes fear to speak because my thoughts might not keep up with those of others. I believe in logic, reason, compassion, empathy and sympathy. I believe in working for what I have and expect to be able to enjoy those things. I love my family and my friends. I believe there is much evil in the world and that it will only be combated by those who are willing to take a stand against it. I believe that there is a right and wrong that is independent of mankind and his ability to reshape things to his own views. I know right now that there are a lot of my friends here and on Facebook along with those who are not online who have very strong opinions about the current political environment. I would hope that we can all agree that each of us is part of a larger brotherhood of humans. That when you strip everything away, we each have the same basic needs and wants.

I know that My words may be used against me by some trying to sway my viewpoint to their position. This is the reason for my fear of speaking out. Having someone take my words and contort them into an attack against me shows me only that they do not value me or my thoughts. All I ask is that you can respect me and allow me to respect you in our differing views.

I wanted to share these thoughts with you readers. I had originally posted them on my Facebook account and modified them slightly here to correct some grammar and spelling issues and direct my comments to a wider audience. I know I don't have all the answers. I do know that humans are some very amazingly resourceful and capable creatures when they can find common ground and work through problems.

when the heart fails...

...the silence sounds so loudly that you want to scream but you can't breathe. When the center fails at once is on the face a terrible thing yet there is a far worse tragedy. It can come on slowly and weaken the holds. Repairs can be made and the damage minimized or negated. The bulwarks can be shored up and the forces redeployed to reinforce the Keep. The two ends can be brought together to cover the hole in the line. The Keep remains weakened yet strong and held fast.

There is a moment though, during a time of peace, a moment of rest when the battles have paused that brings a far greater danger. The clouds part, a single shining beam bursts through the gloom and haze. The beauty of the things it touches is beyond radiance. The face turns up to the warmth and the eye catches a small delicate feather, floating on the currents of time and tide in the air. The glistening colors of the downy apparition sparkle in the mind. It drifts closer and the heart warms with love of this beautiful sight. The limbs feel the strength flooding through them, the soul drinks of the faith in love and life. Gazing at the plume drifting closer until is comes alight ever so gently on the breast, beneath which the heart beats, the mind sees the color for what it truly is at last. The light no longer shining through but now directly on the blood covered talisman as it at last registers in his mind that beauty has passed from his world. At that instant the shining diamond that was the warriors heart fails and shatters. No longer can this man pursue the fight or rise to meet the challenge of strength. He has withstood thousands of assaults, hundreds of blows and countless foes and always walked away victorious. The heart was intact and could not be stopped, thus the warrior could not be vanquished.

...but here in this moment of peace, under the guise of harmonious chance, the warrior has been felled. The fight has fled and the fear has found hold in him. The shattered bits of his once indestructible heart lay in a ruinous pile.

There is a piece, larger than the rest, and it says quietly inside that he can rebuild. Deep inside it speaks softly to him and let's him know that this moment shall pass. His mind acknowledges it but at the same time is helpless to give further direction, at least for the moment. When he rebuilds it, the heart will not be what it once was. The shape and strength will be different yet it will be the heart that he must rely upon. The battles will not abate and for a time he will nurse his wounds but he will rise again.

On a regular night...

something most amazing occurred. In the most unassuming of locations to the most humble couple ever, an amazing child came to this earth. His life, His mission was laid out and would be of greater impact to all mankind than any other individual to ever walk the face of the earth.

 Thank you Father, for sending us your Son. Thank you Jesus for being the one who could show us all the way home. Thank you Brother, for loving me enough to suffer and die for my sins. Thank you Father for letting him rise again so that I may as well.

To each and every one of you that I know, love and think about...Merry Christmas and remember the one who's birth we celebrate at this time. 

Fear

Fear of failing in many things is a very powerful motivator. Fear of being wrong and making the wrong choice comes from having the idea that your choices can (and just might) have irrevocable consequences of a dire and eternal nature.  Knowing that making the wrong choice could lead to another explosion from your Mother because you as a small child of less than 6 years of age wanted to play or have something to eat can cause you to be paralyzed with fear of choosing anything, let alone making the wrong decision.

Despite the assurances of many leaders, I have often let fear rule my life. Fear of trying and failing. Fear of hurting someone else. Fear of having Them lock me up because They found out I am a bad person. Fear of having anyone find out just how corrupt and irredeemably wrong I am inside. I live with fear of failing to be a good father for my children. I live with the fear of knowing that all of the sins I have committed repeatedly, even though I try to overcome them, knowing that God is just and will not be mocked, will ALL be held against me someday and that at that day I will have failed the ultimate and final test, leaving my children and wife to be alone with no father and no husband for the eternities. I guess that while I understand the idea or concept of the atonement, I have not yet found a way to reckon that with my human nature that dooms me to repeat my crimes, both big and small, against God’s commandments. It is these repeated failures on my part that make me feel completely unworthy and that I have failed my earthly tests already. The scriptures repeatedly state that God will not be mocked. I see how when the Nephites were good, they were blessed but they kept falling into their habits of evil and finally God destroyed them for this. …but wait, a thought just hit me while thinking about that.

When, and sometimes it took them a while and with much persecution from the Lamanites, the Nephites would repent and obey God’s commandments, God would bless the Nephites, sometimes with wealth and success, sometimes just with the strength to enduer their burdens. Maybe that is what I need to focus on is the repent and truly do my best to keep the commandments and then God can show His love for me. When I fail to do even this much then He can’t bless me at all because His hands are tied, figuratively speaking. He knows I am not going to be perfect. He knows that I am weak in the face of many temptations. This does not excuse me for failures but does allow for me to try harder to resist those temptations and repent. Each I time I resist them is like getting further along the trail before falling down and sliding back down the mountain. Hopefully I catch myself quickly and only need to make back a little bit of ground and then move past that point. …hmmmm….This is something that bears focus and centering in my thoughts so I don’t feel so hopeless.