lost bearings...

When I was a small child, some things went wrong in my life...about as wrong as they can go for a child. I remember that I had been taught that Heavenly Father loved me. That if I had enough faith and prayed, that He would hear my prayers and answer them. I can't say that I remember any one prayer. I can say that this was when my faith broke with my belief. I believe everything I was taught as I grew up. I still don't question the truth of those things. There were many prayers after that day. Some were very fervent, some were said more as a means of calming myself down. Some days I held hope for an answer. Maybe that was desperation in my soul speaking, maybe it was something else. As I grew older I had less faith...in myself to live up to the standards and things I was being taught. I don't know that I have ever fully built that faith back. I still believe and try to live accord to those beliefs but that is not the same as living on faith. Faith to me seems to be stronger than belief. My faith is weak. I am weak. Some who know me might disagree with that assessment. They will say how I am stronger than anyone they know. I disagree. I know that I could be better, stronger. I don't know if I am more crushed by the fact that I am not the man I could be or the knowledge of who that man is.

I know the lessons that are taught in my religion. That to have more faith and stronger faith that you must exercise it first. Blind faith is the term I believe. But after this exercise of faith that the confirmation of that faith will present itself and your faith can grow. Where is that first grain supposed to come from? When does it qualify as a grain of faith and not acting on beliefs? Is acting on beliefs considered an act of faith or is it acting on held knowledge of certain outcomes and results. I have heard that faith is the belief in things not seen or touched but only hoped for that cannot be proven except through that same faith.

I don't know if it is an exercising of faith but I try to set a good example for my kids. I try to make sure that we go to church every week. I attempt to teach them right from wrong. I had to talk specifically to my daughter the other day and explain that just because something is legal doesn't make it right. I try to teach them not to fight with each other, to take turns and be polite. Some days they seem to get it. Some days I get to see them doing the things I have taught and the happiness and pride surge through my entire body. I know they are good kids because I have seen them when they didn't know I was looking. I love those two. They make me proud to be their Dad.

Weeellllllll....I know when I started this post I had an end goal that I was shooting for, but to paraphrase from The Doctor...from a strictly non- linear point of view, blogs are like tangled up balls of wibbely wobbly timey whimey stuff......yeah, that one got away from me too....

Family Fun

So the other night I come home from school. It's around 7:30pm and dark outside. It is snowing. As I pull up to the house I see my daughter outside with the biggest grin on her face. Now I have to be honest and say that my first instinct is to be annoyed. Why is she outside in the dark so close to bed time...while it is snowing...with her coat unzipped...while it is snow, oh. That's when I said to myself, so what. It's the first decent snow of the year, let her play in it for a little bit. I did have her zip up her coat though. I went inside and my son sees me and asks who are you talking to? I tell him his sister and he asks where is she? I said outside so he gets this concerned look on his face and asks "Can I go out too?" Sure I say, as long as you put on your boots and coat. We get him all buttoned up and ready to go out. By this time my daughter has started work on a snowman and wants everyone to come help. At first I just step out and throw (badly I might add, need some pitching work) some snowballs at my kids. My wife comes out and I throw some at her too. After a few minutes of this my daughter goes back  to making the snowman. Everyone winds up helping out.

All in all, I would say that is probably going to be my favorite memory of this winter. We all had fun. I didn't let my grouchy ways get in the way. I got to see my kids smile. My wife was smiling and having fun. I am putting that one in the good day file.

Gear Review: Personal Responsibility

 

Hey Folks...it's me again. I was going to make this another of my gear reviews, this one featuring my Springfield Armory XD(m) 40. Looking at the above pic though, I decided to write about something different, I hope you don't mind. I promise that I will do a good and detailed review of the XDm another time. I am sure the folks at Springfield (fabulous folks there by the way) will probably not even notice my little review either way. Now without further ado...

Some of you might have looked at my pic and thought what a horrible parent. How could this man expose his daughter in such a reckless manner to those horrible and disgusting things. Doesn't he know he could have killed her?

Actually, I just have to laugh at you folks and I hope I don't offend you with that as I shake my head at you. The truth is I would never endanger my beautiful daughter or my son with any reckless actions. Before I ever bought my first real firearm, I had a plastic pistol that fired orange foam darts which have a suction cup on the end. Yup, that's right, my daughter was started on safety with Nerf pistol. I taught her that you don't point the nerf at someone's face. She doesn't play with the nerf unless she asks first so that the adults know what she is doing. Later I bought a airsoft pistol, spring operated, that shoots plastic bb's. With this purchase we started to teach more safety lessons. I taught her that she never touches the pistol unless Daddy is supervising. I taught her more basic firearm safety lessons like never point a firearm at something or someone that you don't want to hurt (destroy or kill were the terms used later). She was told that if she ever found the gun laying around to not touch it and tell Mommy or Daddy about it first.

Finally I bought my first real firearm, a shotgun. As with the other pistols, I taught about her how to be safe around this firearm. I let her come and see the shotgun (unloaded, checked 2 times) on my bed and ask questions. She actually approached it like a display at a museum. She leaned over and looked at it and then stepped back and asked if it was real. I said yes it was very real and then reminded her of all the safety things we had discussed so far. I asked her if she wanted to pick it up and she said no...it was too big for her and that she would wait until we got a "girl" size one for her to use.

We went through this same stuff when I bought my first pistol but we did add one additional step at this point. I field stripped the pistol and then made my daughter hold the stripped frame. I wanted to teach her how to touch and carry the pistol safely. The reason for this is that her little brother was going to need some extra eyes looking after him. I gave her permission to touch the gun only in a situation where she needed to move it to someplace safe and then go tell Mommy or Daddy right away that it wasn't put away. She understands that my guns are not toys, that they can and will cause serious hurt and could kill. We took our pumpkins out and shot them up after Halloween one year and she saw what happened to them. She even took a turn on her Grandpa's .22 rifle one year at the family reunion. She wanted to shoot it but was really nervous. She fired one shot and then was completely satisfied. She was proud of how brave she had been to fire the gun but didn't want to shoot anymore than once. I was proud of her for being brave.

Have I endangered my daughter? I don't think so. I have equipped her with tools that will allow her to respect the capabilities of firearms. She will treat them with respect and caution. She knows how to not endanger others if she needs to handle them. Did I remove the danger that a gun can represent? I think so because a gun is just a simple machine. It is not sentient. It is not a condensed lump of evil that radiates an uncontrollable desire for death and mayhem. It is just a tool and like any tool can be dangerous if you don't know how to use it and how to do so in a safe manner. I have taught my daughter how to handle a firearm in a safe manner and what it can do. She is going to face many dangers in her life; high school, driving, boys (ugh!!) but one thing that she now has the knowledge to deal with safely is firearms.

...now if I can just figure out how to teach her about dealing safely with boys I should be a shoe in for parent of the century.

Having fun

I got to go out last night with my kids. My daughter was dressed as one of the Navi from Avatar. Her Mom did a great job with the make up. My son was dressed as one of the Angry Birds, the bomb bird. They both had a fantastic time going to the different houses. There were a few that my son decided were too scary for him to walk up to but his sister was awesome in getting him candy from those houses as well. We were out for about two hours when my son gave up. We were already heading home to get in the car to hit a couple other spots that were close but not close enough to walk to. He was a champ though, carrying his heavy bag of loot for the entire time. All in all I think the three of us had a great time. I know I was very happy at the way that they stayed together and that my daughter looked out for her brother.

The Man Shining Inside

Tell me people, can you see the man shining inside? Can you see him there in the mists?

My son is an amazing boy. He has an amazing love of life. He wants to live every moment even when that means not going to bed. He has a heart full of love. Love for his Mommy. Love for his Daddy. Love for his Best Friend (his own words), his Sister. He tries to understand things and has no doubts about what he wants. He is excited by the possibilities of tomorrow even though he hates to wait. He is one of the happiest people I know. His frustrations can be strong when he can't understand why things don't work the way he expects but he is always willing to try again. My little man is growing up and making me so very proud. He doesn't always dance to the tune that others would have him dance to but that doesn't mean he can't. He just doesn't understand why he should need to sometimes.

I worry for him. I worry what the future holds for him and how he will cope. I hope he understands that I try the best I can to be a good father to him. I try to be loving and set a good example for him. I hope that his failings are his own and that I do not pass any on to him. I know he will have challenges but I hope that he can stay surrounded with people who love him and can support him. I hope that I can give him the support he needs to be ready when the time comes to face the world.

Some may look at him and then at me and wonder why I let him behave like that. They may ask themselves "what is his problem?" They may say to themselves "I would never let my child throw a fit like that." They may see the pained look on my face and take it that I don't love my child. They might even think I am angry with him at times. Do they know? Can they even understand why my son behaves the way he does? Can any of them see the man shining inside?

I wanted to be part of my son's life and for a while I couldn't understand how to do that. I have had to learn to accept the world that he presents me and integrate myself into that world. I have tried to be a steadying influence in his life. I have tried to let him feel my love. I want him to know that he can count on me and know that I will always love him and support him. I want him to feel comfortable around me and know that everything is ok when he is with me.

My son is autistic. I love him and everything about him. Some days I might wish I could go play catch with my son but then I get to play in the amazing worlds he creates to play in. I will always cherish him and be there for him. I know some days I don't make him super happy but then being a parent means saying it's bed time or no more candy. I think he knows that I love him despite these little disappointments that I give. I love that I get to help him find ways to deal with the world around him. I get to help him find his peace and safety. My son is one of the greatest gifts God has given me.

If you ask me what is wrong with my son, I will tell you nothing is wrong. Sometimes he just had a tough time understanding the same things that you or I do at the same speed. He can understand them, sometimes he just needs a little extra time. Is anything wrong with him? Nothing more than is wrong with you or I. My son just hasn't learned to hide what he feels from the world and that is difficult for many folks to deal with. Is it his problem? No way, it's theirs. I have learned to deal with my son and love him just the way he is.

I can see the man shining inside of him. He peeks out now and then and lets me know that everything will be alright. He is an amazing man and I know I will see more of him as my son grows. I look forward to the day that he doesn't hide from the world anymore.

Play time with my kids

Well, the last few days I have availed myself of the opportunities to play with my children. I think we all had a lot of fun. I played ...erm...I don't know what you call it with my daughter. I guess it was playing pretend using figures. She does much as I did when I was a child, using multiple figures from different sources for the pretend session. As is her usual way, she tried to dictate how the play "program" would go. I of course, being the nut job that I am, failed to oblige.  :-)  My daughter has gotten used to this behavior somewhat and just decided to go along with it. I think that she had more fun because of it. I know I enjoyed seeing her laugh at me and my jokes and silliness.

My son and I also got several opportunities to play as well though for much shorter periods, but then again, he is only 5 and autistic. I had fun as playing with him tends to involve a lot of tickling. I just love his laugh. I also helped him to play angry birds and legos a few times as well. All in all, I think we all had a lot of fun.


I would have loved to have taken the kids for a drive in one of the canyons around here or gotten out to a park but things just didn't seem to work out. Still, as a father I cherish the moments I get to spend with my little ones, even on days that I get aggravated by them. I hope that I am giving enough of my time to them so that in the future we will have a strong relationship that they can rely on. It might sound greedy of me but since I can't seem to invest my money wisely, I figure I should invest my time wisely. If nothing else comes of this investment, I at least hope that my kids will learn that their daddy loves them and have a good example of how to live. ....now I just have to wait to see how my investment turns out. I hate waiting.  :P

Alternate Realities

Feeling anguish for pains not inflicted. Sorrow for actions that never were. Fear for roads not yet taken. Trepidation of futures unforeseen. Trying to focus on smiles of now. Hold tight to the laughter of today. Collect the sparkle in the eye of my daughter, the mirth of my son's grin. Savour the minutes surrounded in love and build a shield with warm memories to block out the cold void and it's fathomless pains. Restoring my reserve of happiness through the joys of simply playing with my innocent angels. Looking for the peace of heart, that far greener haven that I somehow wandered away from to find myself wandering in a vast gloomy wilderness. Catching glimpses of that place, shining through the cracks between leaves and peeking out through the veiling brambles.