lost bearings...

When I was a small child, some things went wrong in my life...about as wrong as they can go for a child. I remember that I had been taught that Heavenly Father loved me. That if I had enough faith and prayed, that He would hear my prayers and answer them. I can't say that I remember any one prayer. I can say that this was when my faith broke with my belief. I believe everything I was taught as I grew up. I still don't question the truth of those things. There were many prayers after that day. Some were very fervent, some were said more as a means of calming myself down. Some days I held hope for an answer. Maybe that was desperation in my soul speaking, maybe it was something else. As I grew older I had less faith...in myself to live up to the standards and things I was being taught. I don't know that I have ever fully built that faith back. I still believe and try to live accord to those beliefs but that is not the same as living on faith. Faith to me seems to be stronger than belief. My faith is weak. I am weak. Some who know me might disagree with that assessment. They will say how I am stronger than anyone they know. I disagree. I know that I could be better, stronger. I don't know if I am more crushed by the fact that I am not the man I could be or the knowledge of who that man is.

I know the lessons that are taught in my religion. That to have more faith and stronger faith that you must exercise it first. Blind faith is the term I believe. But after this exercise of faith that the confirmation of that faith will present itself and your faith can grow. Where is that first grain supposed to come from? When does it qualify as a grain of faith and not acting on beliefs? Is acting on beliefs considered an act of faith or is it acting on held knowledge of certain outcomes and results. I have heard that faith is the belief in things not seen or touched but only hoped for that cannot be proven except through that same faith.

I don't know if it is an exercising of faith but I try to set a good example for my kids. I try to make sure that we go to church every week. I attempt to teach them right from wrong. I had to talk specifically to my daughter the other day and explain that just because something is legal doesn't make it right. I try to teach them not to fight with each other, to take turns and be polite. Some days they seem to get it. Some days I get to see them doing the things I have taught and the happiness and pride surge through my entire body. I know they are good kids because I have seen them when they didn't know I was looking. I love those two. They make me proud to be their Dad.

Weeellllllll....I know when I started this post I had an end goal that I was shooting for, but to paraphrase from The Doctor...from a strictly non- linear point of view, blogs are like tangled up balls of wibbely wobbly timey whimey stuff......yeah, that one got away from me too....

Family Fun

So the other night I come home from school. It's around 7:30pm and dark outside. It is snowing. As I pull up to the house I see my daughter outside with the biggest grin on her face. Now I have to be honest and say that my first instinct is to be annoyed. Why is she outside in the dark so close to bed time...while it is snowing...with her coat unzipped...while it is snow, oh. That's when I said to myself, so what. It's the first decent snow of the year, let her play in it for a little bit. I did have her zip up her coat though. I went inside and my son sees me and asks who are you talking to? I tell him his sister and he asks where is she? I said outside so he gets this concerned look on his face and asks "Can I go out too?" Sure I say, as long as you put on your boots and coat. We get him all buttoned up and ready to go out. By this time my daughter has started work on a snowman and wants everyone to come help. At first I just step out and throw (badly I might add, need some pitching work) some snowballs at my kids. My wife comes out and I throw some at her too. After a few minutes of this my daughter goes back  to making the snowman. Everyone winds up helping out.

All in all, I would say that is probably going to be my favorite memory of this winter. We all had fun. I didn't let my grouchy ways get in the way. I got to see my kids smile. My wife was smiling and having fun. I am putting that one in the good day file.

Gear Review: Mossberg 500

When you ask most people that practice home defense about what to get and use, the answer is almost always a shotgun. They are not too technically demanding, depending on the ammo in use over penetration is not generally a worry and they make great clubs if you run out of ammo (kidding on that last one). I was able to come across this shot gun a couple of years back, a Mossberg 500a. 18 1/2 inch smooth bore barrel with 5+1 capacity.

I made some minor modifications to it in order to make it just a touch more user friendly in the home. I removed the fixed stock and added a collapsible, 6 position stock from Blackhawk (not the recoil absorbing one, couldn't afford it and didn't want to pay more for the stock than I did the gun). The addition of the stock made handling a little more comfortable for me and a lot more for my wife. The fixed stock was just a bit too long for her to feel balanced and in control but with the shortened stock she feels very much in control.

My first time shooting this shotgun was a fun trip out with guys guys from work to shoot some clay pigeons. Having been out shooting trap before this, I still had a very informative learning experience. First off...if you have followed all of the safety rules of gun handling and you are really, totally sure you are ready to shoot...no matter how hard you try, you cannot squeeze the trigger on this shotgun with the safety on. I had gotten too excited to fire off my first shot, so when I called out "pull", raised the front sight to track the bird and then squeezed, and then squeezed harder and then glanced down at my gun when the pigeon hit the dirt. That's when I saw I had left the safety on. Oops!!!

The next thing I learned was how the gun felt when it went boom.  ....er I mean.... BOOM!!!!! I had been given an assortment of shells to try with the shotgun to see what I wanted to use with it. Being the rocket scientist that I am (no offense to any ACTUAL rocket scientists), I started out with solid slugs...ouch! From those miserable misses, I moved on to some 00buck, 04 buck, and finally ended up shooting bird shot.

I found that my previous experience with shooting clays wasn't helping me. I couldn't seem to hit any thing with my shotgun. Finally, I got a little jumpy and let go a shot a little earlier than I had planned and actually hit the bird. I knew I had been leading them correctly but then it hit me. Since my barrel was shorter than the 24 and 28in barrels being used by my friends, I needed to get my shot off faster. The spread pattern was much greater. Well, once I did that I started to hit more than I was missing. It was at that point I finally became happy with my choice.

I have made one other modification to my gun from the stock model. I added a one point sling attachment ring from GG&G to use with a Blackhawk Storm Sling. Later on I added a more traditional two point shoulder sling from Remington for more extended carry periods. The one point sling is great for short distance travel, i.e. walking from the car to the firing line where we shoot but I found it to be a bit uncomfortable to walk with the shotgun for a longer carry period (less shooting and more walking).

 

I personally like this shotgun. It's not fancy, I can tear it down and put it back together again. No matter if you agree with my opinion or not, I will still like it. I would even recommend it to those of you in the market for one since they can be found on sale for under $300. 

Some of you may have noticed the trigger lock on the shotgun in the pics. I know some of you don't agree with that for home defense but I have my reasons for it, one of which is smiling so beautifully in the pictures above. The gun does stay loaded with the safety off so that lock is the last resort safety should I somehow commit the ultimate blunder and leave the gun where the kids can get to it. I take my responsibilities towards keeping my family safe and until the day comes that the kids are out of the house, I will practice safe storage methods for my firearms. That doesn't mean I can't get to them and yes it would take a few extra seconds to deploy them. If my life depended on those few seconds though, I may as well be walking around in my own home weapons in hand and at the ready on patrol at all times. If the world has gotten that bad (it wasn't the last time I checked) then I will be glad I bought the slings. Until then, Peace be unto you and yours.

Gear Review: Personal Responsibility

 

Hey Folks...it's me again. I was going to make this another of my gear reviews, this one featuring my Springfield Armory XD(m) 40. Looking at the above pic though, I decided to write about something different, I hope you don't mind. I promise that I will do a good and detailed review of the XDm another time. I am sure the folks at Springfield (fabulous folks there by the way) will probably not even notice my little review either way. Now without further ado...

Some of you might have looked at my pic and thought what a horrible parent. How could this man expose his daughter in such a reckless manner to those horrible and disgusting things. Doesn't he know he could have killed her?

Actually, I just have to laugh at you folks and I hope I don't offend you with that as I shake my head at you. The truth is I would never endanger my beautiful daughter or my son with any reckless actions. Before I ever bought my first real firearm, I had a plastic pistol that fired orange foam darts which have a suction cup on the end. Yup, that's right, my daughter was started on safety with Nerf pistol. I taught her that you don't point the nerf at someone's face. She doesn't play with the nerf unless she asks first so that the adults know what she is doing. Later I bought a airsoft pistol, spring operated, that shoots plastic bb's. With this purchase we started to teach more safety lessons. I taught her that she never touches the pistol unless Daddy is supervising. I taught her more basic firearm safety lessons like never point a firearm at something or someone that you don't want to hurt (destroy or kill were the terms used later). She was told that if she ever found the gun laying around to not touch it and tell Mommy or Daddy about it first.

Finally I bought my first real firearm, a shotgun. As with the other pistols, I taught about her how to be safe around this firearm. I let her come and see the shotgun (unloaded, checked 2 times) on my bed and ask questions. She actually approached it like a display at a museum. She leaned over and looked at it and then stepped back and asked if it was real. I said yes it was very real and then reminded her of all the safety things we had discussed so far. I asked her if she wanted to pick it up and she said no...it was too big for her and that she would wait until we got a "girl" size one for her to use.

We went through this same stuff when I bought my first pistol but we did add one additional step at this point. I field stripped the pistol and then made my daughter hold the stripped frame. I wanted to teach her how to touch and carry the pistol safely. The reason for this is that her little brother was going to need some extra eyes looking after him. I gave her permission to touch the gun only in a situation where she needed to move it to someplace safe and then go tell Mommy or Daddy right away that it wasn't put away. She understands that my guns are not toys, that they can and will cause serious hurt and could kill. We took our pumpkins out and shot them up after Halloween one year and she saw what happened to them. She even took a turn on her Grandpa's .22 rifle one year at the family reunion. She wanted to shoot it but was really nervous. She fired one shot and then was completely satisfied. She was proud of how brave she had been to fire the gun but didn't want to shoot anymore than once. I was proud of her for being brave.

Have I endangered my daughter? I don't think so. I have equipped her with tools that will allow her to respect the capabilities of firearms. She will treat them with respect and caution. She knows how to not endanger others if she needs to handle them. Did I remove the danger that a gun can represent? I think so because a gun is just a simple machine. It is not sentient. It is not a condensed lump of evil that radiates an uncontrollable desire for death and mayhem. It is just a tool and like any tool can be dangerous if you don't know how to use it and how to do so in a safe manner. I have taught my daughter how to handle a firearm in a safe manner and what it can do. She is going to face many dangers in her life; high school, driving, boys (ugh!!) but one thing that she now has the knowledge to deal with safely is firearms.

...now if I can just figure out how to teach her about dealing safely with boys I should be a shoe in for parent of the century.

Look Out World....

....It's Crafty Time!!!

So, for those of you who know me and those of you that don't, I tend to think about worst case scenarios a lot. I have always worried about my kids and my family. We moved into the lovely house that we live in about 3 yrs ago. In the entire time, my kids have slept upstairs and that has always caused me some concerns. In case of fire what would they do? 

Well, I finally decided to do something about it and I did some research. I found some good sites online that gave me some info and I ran with it. Using some rope that we had purchased to hang hammocks I stated to make an escape ladder for the kids.

I actually did this a couple of times because when I tied it the first time and did a height check, the ladder was about 7 feet too short.  I undid all of my work and narrowed the steps up to give me more reach. I also tried to reinforce the rungs by putting a dowel in each one.

As you can see, the knots are not exactly tough to tie but they can still be a pain. When you first start tieing this, the entire length of the rope is being passed around and through the knot. It's a bit awkward but doable.

So I got this tie redone. I used rungs that were about 8in in width. I did a height test and the ladder reach to about two and a half feet off the ground. It's a big step for a kid but if they are climbing down it and not up they can jump the last bit.

Now before you say congrats, I tested it. I held it and asked my daughter to try to climb it from the bottom. She started climbing and on the second rung, the dowel broke. She didn't fall but that rung was more unstable. I am going to redesign this thing and try again. I want my family to be safe and if I can do it by using my hands to make something.....Bonus!!

More damaging to the environement than...

...a pregnant water buffalo. Seriously, we have gotten two target stands made now. I am looking forward to using them a little more often. I had wanted to take them out along with our pumpkins last Monday for our annual pumpkin shoot but fate it seems had other plans for me. The weather shifted and my body responded accordingly. Sinus drainage, aches, fever...you know the drill. I spent the weekend in bed all doped up on medication. I did manage to kick the crud but missed going shooting. Now the weather is totally threatening to go into full blown winter mode. That means I will really need to pick my days carefully to try and get out. It would be easier if I had a truck to get to our shooting location. I can do it the car but once the dirt gets all squishy I'm not going to be able to do it that way. That means I will have to park by the main road and hike in will all my gear....doable but much less fun.

My daughter is still here next to me as I write and asking me about the sense of my title. I think she doesn't fully understand the concept of a play on words. It all good though, she is a extremely smart girl and will get it with out me having to explain it to her.

Having fun

I got to go out last night with my kids. My daughter was dressed as one of the Navi from Avatar. Her Mom did a great job with the make up. My son was dressed as one of the Angry Birds, the bomb bird. They both had a fantastic time going to the different houses. There were a few that my son decided were too scary for him to walk up to but his sister was awesome in getting him candy from those houses as well. We were out for about two hours when my son gave up. We were already heading home to get in the car to hit a couple other spots that were close but not close enough to walk to. He was a champ though, carrying his heavy bag of loot for the entire time. All in all I think the three of us had a great time. I know I was very happy at the way that they stayed together and that my daughter looked out for her brother.

Lest ye think me an uncouth clod...

My Angel came into my life 8 years ago. She was perfect in every way. I thank God above everyday for letting me have the privilege of helping her to grow and learn in this life. When she was born, she had her eyes open and she was looking all around. She had a bit of a fight just making it into the world but when she came, she made everything more beautiful.

She has always been an active one. Frequently she has been so eager to explore new things that she sometimes forgets to finish the things she is doing. That's ok though, it reminds me of me when I was smaller. She definitely has my imagination. She has the most amazing ideas that she comes up with. There is usually some form of a princess involved but not always. How many girls do you know of that like to pretend to be dragons?

My daughter has what I call an honest smile. When she smiles, she is opening her heart right there and sharing it with you. She loves to spend time with friends and even her brother. She has no issue in taking charge though sometimes that can cause some small problems when what she wants differs from those around her.

I am thankful that she is part of my life. I hope that I am able to show her what a good man can be. That she can learn through my example how to treat those in her life as she grows. I try to tell her as many times a day as I can that I love her and I am proud of her. Some days I can't keep up with her, age and years and my emotions can take their toll on my abilities to run with her. It doesn't change my love for her and I try to let her know that even though I can't play, I still love her.

Angel,

Thank you dear, sweet angel. Thank you for coming into my life and sharing your love with me. Thank you for showing me that life can be fun. Thank you for joining me and my wife and making us a family. Thank you for loving your brother even when he takes attention away from you. Know that even when I must focus on him and his needs, I still love you and I am proud that you are able to let me help him. Thank you for caring about your mom and I enough to want to help with your brother, even when we don't ask.

I love you Angel.

Love,
 Daddy

The Man Shining Inside

Tell me people, can you see the man shining inside? Can you see him there in the mists?

My son is an amazing boy. He has an amazing love of life. He wants to live every moment even when that means not going to bed. He has a heart full of love. Love for his Mommy. Love for his Daddy. Love for his Best Friend (his own words), his Sister. He tries to understand things and has no doubts about what he wants. He is excited by the possibilities of tomorrow even though he hates to wait. He is one of the happiest people I know. His frustrations can be strong when he can't understand why things don't work the way he expects but he is always willing to try again. My little man is growing up and making me so very proud. He doesn't always dance to the tune that others would have him dance to but that doesn't mean he can't. He just doesn't understand why he should need to sometimes.

I worry for him. I worry what the future holds for him and how he will cope. I hope he understands that I try the best I can to be a good father to him. I try to be loving and set a good example for him. I hope that his failings are his own and that I do not pass any on to him. I know he will have challenges but I hope that he can stay surrounded with people who love him and can support him. I hope that I can give him the support he needs to be ready when the time comes to face the world.

Some may look at him and then at me and wonder why I let him behave like that. They may ask themselves "what is his problem?" They may say to themselves "I would never let my child throw a fit like that." They may see the pained look on my face and take it that I don't love my child. They might even think I am angry with him at times. Do they know? Can they even understand why my son behaves the way he does? Can any of them see the man shining inside?

I wanted to be part of my son's life and for a while I couldn't understand how to do that. I have had to learn to accept the world that he presents me and integrate myself into that world. I have tried to be a steadying influence in his life. I have tried to let him feel my love. I want him to know that he can count on me and know that I will always love him and support him. I want him to feel comfortable around me and know that everything is ok when he is with me.

My son is autistic. I love him and everything about him. Some days I might wish I could go play catch with my son but then I get to play in the amazing worlds he creates to play in. I will always cherish him and be there for him. I know some days I don't make him super happy but then being a parent means saying it's bed time or no more candy. I think he knows that I love him despite these little disappointments that I give. I love that I get to help him find ways to deal with the world around him. I get to help him find his peace and safety. My son is one of the greatest gifts God has given me.

If you ask me what is wrong with my son, I will tell you nothing is wrong. Sometimes he just had a tough time understanding the same things that you or I do at the same speed. He can understand them, sometimes he just needs a little extra time. Is anything wrong with him? Nothing more than is wrong with you or I. My son just hasn't learned to hide what he feels from the world and that is difficult for many folks to deal with. Is it his problem? No way, it's theirs. I have learned to deal with my son and love him just the way he is.

I can see the man shining inside of him. He peeks out now and then and lets me know that everything will be alright. He is an amazing man and I know I will see more of him as my son grows. I look forward to the day that he doesn't hide from the world anymore.

Play time with my kids

Well, the last few days I have availed myself of the opportunities to play with my children. I think we all had a lot of fun. I played ...erm...I don't know what you call it with my daughter. I guess it was playing pretend using figures. She does much as I did when I was a child, using multiple figures from different sources for the pretend session. As is her usual way, she tried to dictate how the play "program" would go. I of course, being the nut job that I am, failed to oblige.  :-)  My daughter has gotten used to this behavior somewhat and just decided to go along with it. I think that she had more fun because of it. I know I enjoyed seeing her laugh at me and my jokes and silliness.

My son and I also got several opportunities to play as well though for much shorter periods, but then again, he is only 5 and autistic. I had fun as playing with him tends to involve a lot of tickling. I just love his laugh. I also helped him to play angry birds and legos a few times as well. All in all, I think we all had a lot of fun.


I would have loved to have taken the kids for a drive in one of the canyons around here or gotten out to a park but things just didn't seem to work out. Still, as a father I cherish the moments I get to spend with my little ones, even on days that I get aggravated by them. I hope that I am giving enough of my time to them so that in the future we will have a strong relationship that they can rely on. It might sound greedy of me but since I can't seem to invest my money wisely, I figure I should invest my time wisely. If nothing else comes of this investment, I at least hope that my kids will learn that their daddy loves them and have a good example of how to live. ....now I just have to wait to see how my investment turns out. I hate waiting.  :P

Turn and turn again

I have been in a teaching position in my church for some time now. I have had the pleasure of sharing my beliefs with the children in my church and have enjoyed the time I have been able to spend with them. Of late though, I have been feeling that perhaps it is time for me to relinquish my calling. Perhaps it is the stresses that I have in my life outside of my calling. Perhaps in my efforts to become more open about my feelings with others I am losing the ability to compartmentalize and keep my frustrations and disappointments in check. I don't know...and I must say that indecision, though it has ever been a companion of mine, is none the less a very annoying thing.

...but enough of this silliness. Today, I don my pistola to better familiarize myself with it's presence. I had hoped to get out and put 50 slow, yet (hopefully) well placed rounds down range today but alas, tis not to be. I have damaged my target frame prior to this to such a degree as to render it unusable. I must conceive of a machination to repair it or construct a new device to take it's place. Yes, yes, I know. Woe be unto to me and my insignificant tribulations. I would like to ask that if either of my two readers happens to be in possession of an ingenious (and cheap) target stand, if you could forward to me said designs I would be deeply indebted to you.

Now, having feed my son, got my daughter on the bus (having ensured both are dressed and presentable), emptied and loaded the dishwasher and hand-washed those items that could not go in. I must find further engagements beyond those pleasant moments spent spewing forth my mental musings. I bid you good day 'till we meet again. :)

Enough already!

OK all you doom and gloom seekers. Sorry to disappoint but I am going to write something different this time.
So today I was playing with my kids. At first my daughter wanted to play house and she starts it off with a tea party. Sounds normal enough, right? Fist thing she says is that the "tea" is really a potion to turn her into a dragon. To really spice it up the "tea" she gives me is supposed to make me so I can't move. While we are getting ready to partake of said repast, her brother comes down and joins the game by saying he is making a potion as well. His potion is supposed to make me "stinky". Sister ups the ante though by changing her potion to one that changes her to a monster that her brother then has to help cure by administering another potion to correct her problem. My kids are great at taking a innocent play activity like the traditional tea party and turning it into a roller coaster ride of thrills and horrible monsters that are really nice but just want to help out.

Alternate Realities

Feeling anguish for pains not inflicted. Sorrow for actions that never were. Fear for roads not yet taken. Trepidation of futures unforeseen. Trying to focus on smiles of now. Hold tight to the laughter of today. Collect the sparkle in the eye of my daughter, the mirth of my son's grin. Savour the minutes surrounded in love and build a shield with warm memories to block out the cold void and it's fathomless pains. Restoring my reserve of happiness through the joys of simply playing with my innocent angels. Looking for the peace of heart, that far greener haven that I somehow wandered away from to find myself wandering in a vast gloomy wilderness. Catching glimpses of that place, shining through the cracks between leaves and peeking out through the veiling brambles.