lost bearings...

When I was a small child, some things went wrong in my life...about as wrong as they can go for a child. I remember that I had been taught that Heavenly Father loved me. That if I had enough faith and prayed, that He would hear my prayers and answer them. I can't say that I remember any one prayer. I can say that this was when my faith broke with my belief. I believe everything I was taught as I grew up. I still don't question the truth of those things. There were many prayers after that day. Some were very fervent, some were said more as a means of calming myself down. Some days I held hope for an answer. Maybe that was desperation in my soul speaking, maybe it was something else. As I grew older I had less faith...in myself to live up to the standards and things I was being taught. I don't know that I have ever fully built that faith back. I still believe and try to live accord to those beliefs but that is not the same as living on faith. Faith to me seems to be stronger than belief. My faith is weak. I am weak. Some who know me might disagree with that assessment. They will say how I am stronger than anyone they know. I disagree. I know that I could be better, stronger. I don't know if I am more crushed by the fact that I am not the man I could be or the knowledge of who that man is.

I know the lessons that are taught in my religion. That to have more faith and stronger faith that you must exercise it first. Blind faith is the term I believe. But after this exercise of faith that the confirmation of that faith will present itself and your faith can grow. Where is that first grain supposed to come from? When does it qualify as a grain of faith and not acting on beliefs? Is acting on beliefs considered an act of faith or is it acting on held knowledge of certain outcomes and results. I have heard that faith is the belief in things not seen or touched but only hoped for that cannot be proven except through that same faith.

I don't know if it is an exercising of faith but I try to set a good example for my kids. I try to make sure that we go to church every week. I attempt to teach them right from wrong. I had to talk specifically to my daughter the other day and explain that just because something is legal doesn't make it right. I try to teach them not to fight with each other, to take turns and be polite. Some days they seem to get it. Some days I get to see them doing the things I have taught and the happiness and pride surge through my entire body. I know they are good kids because I have seen them when they didn't know I was looking. I love those two. They make me proud to be their Dad.

Weeellllllll....I know when I started this post I had an end goal that I was shooting for, but to paraphrase from The Doctor...from a strictly non- linear point of view, blogs are like tangled up balls of wibbely wobbly timey whimey stuff......yeah, that one got away from me too....

It's a wibbly wobbly thing....

Just adding some Doctor Who love to my blog and trying to win some swag.
http://thingsawhovianshoulddo.tumblr.com/

I would like to say something...

I know I am not the most articulate of people. I sometimes fear to speak because my thoughts might not keep up with those of others. I believe in logic, reason, compassion, empathy and sympathy. I believe in working for what I have and expect to be able to enjoy those things. I love my family and my friends. I believe there is much evil in the world and that it will only be combated by those who are willing to take a stand against it. I believe that there is a right and wrong that is independent of mankind and his ability to reshape things to his own views. I know right now that there are a lot of my friends here and on Facebook along with those who are not online who have very strong opinions about the current political environment. I would hope that we can all agree that each of us is part of a larger brotherhood of humans. That when you strip everything away, we each have the same basic needs and wants.

I know that My words may be used against me by some trying to sway my viewpoint to their position. This is the reason for my fear of speaking out. Having someone take my words and contort them into an attack against me shows me only that they do not value me or my thoughts. All I ask is that you can respect me and allow me to respect you in our differing views.

I wanted to share these thoughts with you readers. I had originally posted them on my Facebook account and modified them slightly here to correct some grammar and spelling issues and direct my comments to a wider audience. I know I don't have all the answers. I do know that humans are some very amazingly resourceful and capable creatures when they can find common ground and work through problems.

it's not the fall that will get you....

It's the sudden stop at the bottom. How did life ever get so damn complicated? Why does it seem that in order to be happy, someone else will have to be unhappy? Are my expectations so far away from realistic as to be considered impossible? Should I even try to be happy? Do I even deserve to be happy more than not? I understand that no one is happy all of the time. I know that everyone has at least some neutral times. I guess I just go so very very long between times when I can honestly say I am happy and content that it is really dragging me down even lower.

Abandon All Hope...

Sliding into the Abyss
Just past the precipice
Straining, reaching but nothing to hold
Screaming as the darkness takes you
all is lost

The cold seeps through your bones
the heart turns to stone
Ration turns to madness
logic burns to ash
Up is down, insanity crushes everything in between

When pain grows strong,
the flames freezing you blood
Death shows it's smile
opening it's arms wide in a welcoming embrace
yet still no escape

As the tourniquet of the grave circles around
you slide further down through the blackness of void
No respite is given, no easy path shown
No failure forgiven, Every mistake shown
Even the final sleep can't hold back the nightmares
As the demons creep through, each tearing out it's pound of flesh right from your heart

Machine gun rattle, rips from the night
Every round on the mark
They burn with icy screams
On and on the slicing pain tears
jagged holes never to mend

To all ye who enter here
Abandon all hope of those things to which you hold
Fear, pain, misery, death...those are the currency found here

when the heart fails...

...the silence sounds so loudly that you want to scream but you can't breathe. When the center fails at once is on the face a terrible thing yet there is a far worse tragedy. It can come on slowly and weaken the holds. Repairs can be made and the damage minimized or negated. The bulwarks can be shored up and the forces redeployed to reinforce the Keep. The two ends can be brought together to cover the hole in the line. The Keep remains weakened yet strong and held fast.

There is a moment though, during a time of peace, a moment of rest when the battles have paused that brings a far greater danger. The clouds part, a single shining beam bursts through the gloom and haze. The beauty of the things it touches is beyond radiance. The face turns up to the warmth and the eye catches a small delicate feather, floating on the currents of time and tide in the air. The glistening colors of the downy apparition sparkle in the mind. It drifts closer and the heart warms with love of this beautiful sight. The limbs feel the strength flooding through them, the soul drinks of the faith in love and life. Gazing at the plume drifting closer until is comes alight ever so gently on the breast, beneath which the heart beats, the mind sees the color for what it truly is at last. The light no longer shining through but now directly on the blood covered talisman as it at last registers in his mind that beauty has passed from his world. At that instant the shining diamond that was the warriors heart fails and shatters. No longer can this man pursue the fight or rise to meet the challenge of strength. He has withstood thousands of assaults, hundreds of blows and countless foes and always walked away victorious. The heart was intact and could not be stopped, thus the warrior could not be vanquished.

...but here in this moment of peace, under the guise of harmonious chance, the warrior has been felled. The fight has fled and the fear has found hold in him. The shattered bits of his once indestructible heart lay in a ruinous pile.

There is a piece, larger than the rest, and it says quietly inside that he can rebuild. Deep inside it speaks softly to him and let's him know that this moment shall pass. His mind acknowledges it but at the same time is helpless to give further direction, at least for the moment. When he rebuilds it, the heart will not be what it once was. The shape and strength will be different yet it will be the heart that he must rely upon. The battles will not abate and for a time he will nurse his wounds but he will rise again.

Weather predictions

Looking out at the horizon can be challenging at best. What lies beyond the hill? What forces gather beyond the earth's curve? The skies have been lees than clear for sometime now. Uncertainty and unpredictability have fogged up the view from the quarter deck. Even the Crow's nest offers no relief from the obscurity that belies the questing for answers. Now the clouds have grown more stifling. Not all is lost but there is clearly a storm brewing on the horizon. The first early tinges of it's ugly head are rearing beyond the covering offered by mountain and sea.

Will the storm hold strong though? Will the ship be smashed on the shoals to become just so much more detritus and flotsam. I am not one to prognosticate while too many variables are as yet unknown. I will however take precautions as I see fit to steer my vessel through to the destination I should choose. I shall take the measures that are with in my control to keep the ship afloat and on a steady course. The sails can be reefed at a moments notice, the anchor is at the ready and hatches are standing ready to battened down at the issuance of the command. Do I know this storm will be bad? No. Do I even know for sure that it will actually stay in my path? No. I pray fervently that it does not. I pray that is will be little more than a refreshing sprinkling of rain across the weather deck.

Should the storm hit, what be the fate of the ship? Will the gale be fierce or sturdy? Should I gather the sails and ride the currents or hope the mast can withstand the forces that assail it and let the wind take me as she will? I must think to my crew and what is in their best interests. Seeing them safely through this foreboding time is my first concern. Time and tide alone will tale.